If you haven’t heard of the cheeseburger that Four Legs make at The Compton Arms, then where have you been? This burger is an outstanding piece of beefy, buttery, craftsmanship. It’s all meat, cheese, sauce, and gherkins: no lettuce. And that’s just how we like it. If you’re not into McDonalds-style burgers, you may not like this. In which case, you may not like us. Sorry not sorry.

We’d love to tell you how often we order Beer and Burger but our doctor might be reading this and at our last check-up we said we’d try this thing called ‘moderation’. But we can tell you that, err, it’s a lot. Like, a lot. Our go-to order is the cheeseburger. It’s slightly charred, a little moist, and sloppy in a deeply satisfying way. Honestly, we might just order one now.

This American diner on the High Street in Uxbridge isn’t for those times when you ‘could have’ a burger. It’s for those times when you want a burger that will result in unbuttoned jeans. Don’t let the hefty menu here distract you. You want their signature Red Iron Burger. It’s got layers - yes, layers - of melted cheese, a juicy beef patty, house burger sauce, jalapeños, and it comes with a generous side of thick cut chips. You can get it delivered here or call 01895274624 to order for collection.

Right, bear with us, because you’re about to get a glimpse into our deeply indecisive nature. Decisions? Very, very tricky. Especially when we’re asked to choose between Meatliquor’s cheeseburger and their Dead Hippie burger. One, a classic of the genre, super cheesy, with plenty of red onion - just the way we like it. The other, spicy with two beef patties fried in mustard. We love them. We cannot choose. And neither should you, try them both.

Ah, The Venimoo. Mac and Wild’s burger is arguably the power couple of patties, with a beef patty and a venison patty in one glorious seeded bun. But it’s not just the meat collab that makes this guy so special, it’s the thick bearnaise sauce, caramelised onions, and the fact that you can add candied bacon. Be warned, she’s pretty big, but we’re fans of any burgers that require a little jaw gymnastics.

Jim’s is a biker café in Clapton that makes a low key destination burger. It’s a double patty and cheese set-up. Perfectly pink and juicy, all yellow and melted. There are some gherkins and onion going on in there too, all neatly packed between a toasted sesame seed bun. Simple sounding, but much harder than you think. For £11 with fries, this thing’s a steal.

The burger at Blacklock is - whisper it - a secret. Although, like most secrets in secondary school or on reality TV, this one made the rounds pretty quick. Why? Because this burger is fantastic. Experts in all things meaty, Blacklock’s big burger is an obvious winner, and the seeded bun is especially good. We’re all very pro the gherkin ratio, which leans towards heavy but isn’t overwhelming.

Burger and Beyond make deceptive little buns. They’re palm-sized and filled with charred but juicy smash patties. You’ll look at one and think, I can put away two. Au contraire our bun-loving friend, these little fellas are rich, smeared with smoky or burnt butter mayo, and dripping in American cheese. Of course you could just get a single patty, but where’s the fun in that?

Is it a fried chicken burger, or a fried chicken sandwich? What’s the difference if it’s in between bun? Does anyone even care? The K-Pop from Chick ‘N’ Sours is the answer to all of these questions. Not because it talks or has erudite opinions, but because once you’re eating a perfectly crispy but still juicy chicken thigh that’s smothered in gochujang mayo, you won’t care at all.

What Stax diner lacks in square feet, it makes up for in great food. The classic cheeseburger is everything you want from a burger. Toasted brioche bun? Tick. Not one, but two beef patties? Tick. American cheese, gherkins, crispy onions, and chips on the side? Tick, tick, tick.

Do not let Patty & Bun’s success and spread across London fool you into thinking that these guys do not make London’s most reliably delicious burgers. Seriously. Aside from having the greatest burger name, well, ever, the Ari Gold is an always 8/10 cheeseburger. The Smokey Robinson, with a pile of caramelised onion and bacon - no lettuce - is surefire way to our heart. FYI they also have a brilliant DIY kit.