If you would have asked us a couple years back what we would need during an apocalyptic pandemic we would have said batteries, toilet roll, baked beans, and a lighter and deodorant combo we could fashion into a flame-thrower. Well, it turns out that all you really need in a pandemic is RuPaul Andre Charles and 12 hopefuls fighting for the Drag Race UK crown. Granted, toilet roll doesn’t hurt either. But there is no greater escape from the permanent buzz of bad news and isolation of lockdown than an hour spent obsessing over big hair, heels, and feelgood boozy hilarity. Now you just need the perfect beverage, and that’s where this guide comes in.
Bimini Bon Boulash
A definitive list of the great method actors of our time: Meryl Streep, Daniel Day-Lewis, Bimini Bon Boulash. No, we will not be taking questions. Bimini Babe’s take on Katie Price was nuanced, vivid, complex, and as daring as that time they were “tucked all the way to high heaven” in a Norwich City FC thong. Responsible for several instances where we genuinely thought we might wet ourselves on our second-hand sofa and single-handedly making eukaryotic cells chic, the only cocktail kit that can do this GENDER BENDER, CIS-TEM OFFENDER justice is the Queen Pat Butcher DIY party set. The kit includes enough rum and mixers to make 18 cocktails, just don’t forget to buy your own ice. Mostly for the drinks, but partly so you can hold it up and say ‘is it cold in here, or is it just my nipples?’.
A’Whora was quickly and shamefully cast and/or carefully edited as this series’ shady villain. But then episode 4 happened and we finally all saw the light. And when we say ‘saw the light’ we mean blinded by the majestic sparkle of her Essex girl glitter tits. A legend was born and the ITV This Morning contracts were drawn up. We hope. A fashion queen for the ages with some of the most expertly-timed side-eye we have ever seen, if you don’t love A’Whora you’re doing Drag Race wrong. Get hyped for her next certified stunning runway look with this disco cherry sour pouch. Punchy, sweet, and sexy, with the perfect hint of strong, citrus bitters, order enough to give you the dutch courage to permanently change your Instagram bio to ‘You read books, I’m on the cover, mwah xxx’.
Your order: Ladies and Gentlemen’s Disco Cherry Sour.
Missing in action: Ellie Diamond’s air time. Once simply ‘the other Scottish queen’ Ellie is lowkey the hero of the season. Think about it. She is the girl that would slide toilet roll under the bathroom cubicle when you’re having a 2am weep. She is the girl that would offer you her last piece of Juicy Fruit gum. She is the girl you would call when your partner dumps you for someone who is 80% leg and 100% stunning. That is why nothing will compliment a little Ellie Diamond loving like this pre-bottled Angel Face cocktail. It’s light, zesty, with a big hit of sweet fruity apple and apricot. Hot tip from a professional: Put on Rihanna’s Diamonds and sing (scream) ‘shine bright like an Ellie Diamond’ as you take your first sip.
Your order: The Angel Face cocktail from Heads and Tails.
We know someone who knows someone who knows Tayce. We’re not bragging, it’s just the only reason we believe that someone this beautiful truly is a living, breathing being. A treat for the eyes, and the ears of anyone who’s just really into a Welsh accent, Tayce is pure sexiness. So is a perfectly chilled Toreador cocktail. An ode to badass fighters, it’s similar to your classic margarita with tequila and plenty of citrus flavours. Plus it includes the peach’s sexier cousin, the apricot which is an apt shoutout to Tayce’s sweet, cheeky smile and the apricot-coloured wig rocked during the United Kingdolls life-changing performance of UK Hun?. Yes, we said life-changing and we stand by that.
Your order: The Toreador Quarantini Kit from The Sun Tavern.
Eight months from now you’ll find yourself in Victoria Park, innocently eyeing up local personal trainers and dogs that definitely live in nicer flats than you, and then you’ll notice that - hang on - everyone is wearing ruched items of clothing. Ruched skirts. Ruched tank-tops. Is that… a chihuahua wearing a ruched two piece? Yes. Yes it is. The cause of the Great London Ruching epidemic will be Sister Sister and we will be right there, absolutely living for it, in a homemade knock-off of her ruched pink power sleeve runway look. Stevie Nicks, eat your bloody heart out. For the queen that has the highest accolade of serving us the best power sleeves and neckerchief action of the series, a coconut butter old fashioned is in order. Strictly vintage, sharp, and as smooth as Sister Sister’s ‘stiletto to the metal’ lyrics. Ding dang dong, order one.
Tia Kofi (Waz Robbed)
They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, as it turns out, so is a lipstick. When our beloved reigning Baroness of Basic used her mirror message to write Tia Woz Robbed, we felt that. In our soul. Gone from our screens but never forgotten, Tia Kofi became an instant icon thanks to the week one Alan Turing look and for making every single one of us ponder whether we dismissed adult dungarees too quickly. What’s the cocktail T? Erm, it’s coffee. More specifically this Irish coffee kit. Just like Tia, it’ll wake you up, get you chatting, and has a side of sweetness. Serve yourself a large glass in honour of the queen who served us “an adequate dress made of… materials” and is doing god’s work by rebrandring the pandemic as The Global Panettone.
Your order: The Irish Coffee Kit from Swift in Soho.
There are a million reasons to stan Lawrence Chaney. The booming Scottish accent. The highly-relatable stress tears. The Charles Rennie Mackintosh look that we will be borrowing for all future birthdays when we want smart good-looking people to know we’re incredibly cultured. The monster mash up look that made thousands point at their screens and say ‘my god, that mask hanging from her arm… that’s… that’s exactly how I look when I fall asleep with my make-up on after too many G&Ts’. Before this turns into a thesis on Lawrence Chaney adoration, just go ahead and order this Tropical Thunder cocktail. A fresh take on the pina colada, it’s packed full of coconut, pineapple syrup, Takamaka coco, and Nc’nean whisky’s botanical liquor. Fun, refreshing, with some naughty Scottish energy thrown in. Just like the LC.
Joe Black's H&M Dress
God loves a trier and we love an underdog. That is why it would frankly be an injustice if the H&M dress that birthed a million tweets didn’t get its own cocktail. We bring you the rhubarb gimlet aptly from The Bar With No Name. Evidence that things don’t have to be complicated to be fabulous, this simple pink rhubarb cordial and gin cocktail is the perfect way to get off your tits as an ode to buying off the rack.
Your order: The rhubarb gimlet from The Bar With No Name.